At 3 in the morning there was a loud crash in the kitchen. I was asleep in my room when it happened and woke up from the noise. I heard my mother from the hallway, she sounded panicked and scared. "Baby!? Where are you!?" I got out of bed and poked my head out of the door and saw her standing there. "What was that?" She asked... How am I supposed to know? The tone of her voice scared me, and I didn't want to speak, so I shrugged my shoulders instead of answering her.
She just stood there looking at me. I looked back at her and then let out a big breath of air. I felt so tired. I pulled the blanket tighter around myself and walked out to her. She let me lead the way to the kitchen to find out what the noise was.
I found a brick laying on our kitchen floor surrounded by broken glass. The brick had a note tied around it. I went to get the note and my mother jumped on it and shoved it in her pocket before I could get to it. I called Larry. Larry told me to call the police. The police came and a report was made. Nothing was mentioned about the note.
I don't know for sure what the note said because I never saw it. But I imagined it was some kind of warning. The only area in the Valley where you could find drugs was a scary place full of gang bangers. My mother started going there frequently and when Larry noticed, he stopped giving her cash. The lack of cash did not stop my mother from going. Several weeks later the gang bangers decided they were not happy with the debt my mother was accruing and they made steps to do something about it... starting with throwing the brick through our window.
Three weeks later, Larry dropped us off at home around midnight after a fun day at Knots Berry Farm. My mother asked me to sleep with her that night and we were so tired we just crawled into bed with out even brushing our teeth. A few hours later I woke up because there was someone in our room.
I was sleeping on the side of the bed closest to the wall. On the floor next to my mom's side of the bed was the figure of a man crawling on the floor. I thought for a second that I might be having a nightmare. I reminded myself, there are no such thing as monsters.. there are no such thing as monsters... But there was a monster. He was dressed entirely in black and had a black stocking cap on his head.
He got near the side of the bed and my mother woke up. She jumped out of bed! She started talking fast, "I have what you want, it's right here. Relax. I'll go get it. Just relax. Stay cool. I have it I have it I have it." I tried to bury myself in the mattress. I pulled the covers over me and stopped breathing. The man on the floor stood up and held a knife out to my mom. He whispered, "lay the fuck down now, you know why I'm here!" His voice came out in a hiss. He was angry!
"Don't try to play the hero and you won't get hurt....you don't want your daughter hurt do you!?" Then he reached over my mother and patted the blankets that were over me! I recoiled and tried to squeeze in the crack between the bed and the wall. I can't even describe my fear to you.... It consumed me. My entire body reacted. I was shaking, sweating and choking. It was like the room around me was a vacuum and all the air was getting sucked out of me. I peed my pants.
My mother whined and in a low voice said, "No, please don't.... please don't..." For a few seconds everything was quiet. So quiet....... Then he took his hand off of me and used it to unbuckle his pants. The clink of his belt being undone sounded almost musical. Then I heard him undo his zipper. I saw his other hand near my mother's neck, holding the knife.
He raped my mother. I could feel them moving. The noises still haunt my memory. I heard him hiss out threats at her over and over and I heard her moans. I could hear him slurp up the saliva that was dripping out of his mouth. I could hear him breath. I could hear the slap of his skin against my mothers. I closed my eyes as the head board banged against the wall. I tried to go to the place where I didn't exist, but I couldn't. I stayed there under the covers, laying in my own pee....wishing I was nothing. My mother needed me, I couldn't abandon her, but I didn't know what to do.
When it was all over and the man had left, my mother went into the kitchen and called Larry. Larry called the police and soon officers filled our house. They dusted for prints and took records of what my mother said was stolen. My mother said nothing about the rape. My mother said nothing about knowing who it was.
After all the officers left she hugged me and said, " I was so scared! I wish you would have just hit him in the head with the lamp or something!" ... I hugged her back and didn't say anything. Inside I was filled with guilt. I should have done something... We cried together. I cried for my mother and my mother cried for herself. No one cried for me.
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